Not Today
by aufbau
Summary: "You take a moment to remind yourself that Kurosaki is different than Aizen and the scientists. All his edges are soft and warm, and he doesn't wear gloves before he touches you." AU where Grimmjow was tested on in 12th Company's labs after the war and it's hard to live/love when you or someone you love is falling apart. Warnings for PTSD, mild sexual content


Just a small fic so you guys know I'm not dead. Updates are coming really slowly but please know that I'm working on everything that's in progress on my account; I haven't forgotten about anything. I want to add a second part to this, one from Ichigo 2nd person so stay tuned for an update eventually?

AU where Grimmjow was tested on in 12th Company's labs after the war, and when Ichigo and Co. found out and freed him they got most of him back but it's hard to live/love when you or someone you love is falling apart

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Kurosaki, Kurosaki, Kurosaki; his name tastes sweet on your tongue. Ichigo is fine but God _damn_. Kurosaki is like caviar, like eating a four course meal when you say it. You feel rich, and the syllables fill the hollow in your stomach. The principle of hollows is to lack a fundamental piece of yourself that you will never truly be able to fill, but Ichigo makes you feel like a complete person.

You feel the bed dip behind you, and a hand on the small of your back. You lie in a sprawl, your legs tangled in the bed sheets. You sigh as he rubs circles into your back, working out knots with the heel of his palm.

"God, I had the worst day at work," he mumbles, tugging you into his chest. You oblige, setting your shoulders against his collarbones and curling into his form. His hands trace a careful path up your sides, and they retreat when you shudder.

"Are you okay?"

You take a moment to remind yourself that Kurosaki is different than Aizen and the scientists. All his edges are soft and warm, and he doesn't wear gloves before he touches you. Sometimes, you want to melt into his skin and live in his bloodstream.

"I'm fine," you reply, pushing yourself into his hands and tucking your head under his chin.

"The war is over."

"That's not what I meant." His tone isn't confrontational. It never is.

His hands go back to your sides, fingertips just barely playing over your skin. It makes you shiver. You have a thick hide like every other arrancar, but Kurosaki can make you melt in three touches; your ribs, your stomach, your hips. He knows you like he knows his own skin(another argument for you to live in his rib cage. You're already an extension of his body.)

"I'll be alright."

Ichigo sighs, pulls you close into him. You stretch out across his skin and turn to face him, kissing his chin.

"Damn," he says as you kiss lower, big mouthy kisses that leave a sloppy trail over his throat.

"You really aren't okay, are you?"

You press the side of your teeth into his neck, try to lap the pulse out of his skin with your tongue. You can feel it, slow and steady and heady. Sometimes you want to put it into a watch, so you can keep time with it. You want to base your life off his heartbeat.

"I told you, I'll be alright."

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You lie on your side with your head on Kurosaki's thigh, his hand in your hair. _Jeopardy_ plays on the television and he snorts when a man loses a thousand dollars. You're barely paying attention, more focused on how he's rubbing the skin behind your ear in long, lazy circles.

It feels nice.

Both of you are focused on his hand, even if he tries to hide it. You sigh as his fingers scratch the back of your neck. You want to kiss his palm, so you do.

He runs his fingers up from the bottom to the top of your head and it turns you to melted butter. Ichigo doesn't rake his nails against your scalp, and he isn't touching you to pick your hair for hollow lice. He touches you because you want him to, because _he_ wants to and the idea that someone would honest-to-God want to touch you is almost overwhelming. You feel like he could be doing better things, that he could invest his feelings in better people. He is so much more than you. It just doesn't make sense.

You shake your head and try to distract your thoughts; when you get like this and don't stop yourself you know it never ends well. Kurosaki is like the planet Venus, but you're one of his moons and you exert a gravitational pressure on each other. He pulls on you much more strongly than vice versa, but the need is still there.

You know you will always feel more strongly for him than he will for you. You are a constant variable in his life; you're not going anywhere and you won't ever die before him unless you do something drastic. Ichigo, on the other hand, is disgustingly temporary. His life will be over faster than you will be ready for it to be, and you'll be left alone while he goes to the soul society and fulfills the destiny he was always meant for. He could always cleanse your soul himself, and you know he would if you asked him to, but the possibility of losing what little things you have and starting over at square 1 is unbearable. You prefer the slow burn.

"Hey," Kurosaki whispers, scratching at your neck to get your attention.

"How are you feeling?"

You curl in on yourself, hide your face in his thigh. He moves his hand to your back and rubs long, reassuring strokes down your spine. There is a language between you that consists entirely of your sighs and how he rubs your ribs through your skin, and it conveys more than you could ever hope to with words.

"You know I love you, right?" God, his voice can get so soft. Instead of speaking an answer, you take his hand in yours and entwine your fingers in his.

At this point, it's all you're capable of.

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Ichigo has three friends that know about the two of you-Tatsuki, Orihime, and Urahara. You're not sure what Urahara actually is to him, but you say friend for lack of a better term. You know the other two talk about you because, out of everyone, they might be the two closest people to Kurosaki besides yourself. They don't know about the freckles on the inside of Kurosaki's thighs, or how he scrunches up his nose in his sleep when he has nightmares, but they've known him since he was a child and that counts for more than anything you possess. Neither of them are dead, and both are beautiful. They have never stabbed Ichigo, and you're pretty sure that makes them a much better fit for him than you on its own.

Sometimes, when you want to prompt your own instability(as if that doesn't happen enough by itself), you think about how he could have just as easily been with them as with you. You could go back to thinking about how you don't deserve him, but you don't like to go in circles.

At that moment, he's asleep on your chest, and you can feel the lines of his muscles against your scars. His breaths are even, and his face relaxed. He can't sleep with a shirt on, even in the dead of winter, and you think it's quite possibly the greatest thing in the known universe. There is just something about everything he does that makes even the most mundane of things fantastic. You could watch him brush his teeth and feel awed.

You lift your hand and run it gently through his hair, stroking at the part tucked behind his ear and letting your thumb trace over the curl near the base of his neck. In his sleep, he sighs, and shifts his arms to wrap more tightly around your sides. For a split second, it feels too much like a restraint and The Lab flashes across your vision-you see the scientist captain and a scalpel and too many fluorescent lights before you blink back to reality. Your chest is heaving, and you don't realize you're covered in sweat until a bit of it drips down from your forehead.

Hands trembling, you peel Kurosaki away from you and crawl out of the bed, trying to take deep breaths and still your pounding heart. It is all too much-the room spins around you. You feel Ichigo's hand on your shoulder, hear his voice, but all of it is faint and muted, like he's speaking to you from the other side of a wall. You focus on your own harsh breaths, trying to ground yourself and stop the memories that won't stop flashing through your head.

When you manage to collect the pieces of your psyche that were threatening to fly away, you realize that Ichigo's arms are around you, and that he's crying.

"Fuck, come on, you're not fucking shutting off on me like this you idiot,"

"It's okay," you whisper, relaxing into his grip so your back is pressed against his stomach.

"I'm alright. Don't worry."

Ichigo doesn't respond, just wraps himself around you more tightly and kisses your shoulders like he's never going to see you again. Eventually, you know you'll either actually be okay or you'll snap from the strain of it all. The flashbacks you get are short but debilitating; if they ever happened anywhere besides Ichigo's home you know you wouldn't be able to recover from them.

For now you figure you can continue life as is. You have nothing better to do than to love Kurosaki, and loving Kurosaki is something you excel at and feel very strongly about.

Sighing as he continues to kiss your neck, you stand and rub your palms over his hips.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Is anyone sure of anything?"

"Please. I can't lose you like this."

You don't know how to reply to that because you don't want to promise him something that you can't stick to. You kiss the top of his head and let him cry into your chest, running your hands over him over and over. Everything is almost unbearable, but Kurosaki is in love with you, and that's all you really need to get by.

"Come on, let's go to bed."

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Thank you all for your patience honestly, I know I've been doing you all poorly for how much you've given me.


End file.
